ragdoll

I could spend my time talking about inconsequential little things. I could say that being an MC means saying a lot of gay shit and feeling embarrassed. I could say that haha my name got read out on the PA system today. But I won't.

Instead I will say that I'm tired. Tired of keeping up a pretense. Ignorance is bliss is delusion. All I want to do now is retreat in my own world and stay there for all eternity. Somewhere, nice, quiet, and free of people.

Now I sound melodramatic. Well, sue me, I'm in a melodramatic mood. Nothing can change that.

optimism

I think that being optimistic is a curse. It keeps you hoping that things will get better, and when they don't, you feel even worse.

I am cursed

the end

Nasty shocks today, not like I haven't been expecting them of course.

Stress is catching up with me. I have a feeling that when I wake up tomorrow, I will have a head of white hair, or no hair at all. Fifteem year old in the US are doing nothing but slacking and smoking pot, either that or groping each other, so I guess they're not that much better off. So why do I feel so damn deprived?

Perhaps because I have no free time for myself. Rush rush rush the whole day. If i had a choice, I would maroon myself on a desert island with a computer, broadband connection, handphone, and cable TV. I shall be completely satisfied for abouta week. After that, I would be sick of eating sand and drinking coconut juice.

failure

I hate losing. but I did a lot of that today. What can you expect? When your silly coach sends you to a competition to be humiliated, there is nothing much you can do. Ken wasn't helping much either; he was giggling all the way. Well, I supposed he had something to giggle about. Not me. I'm just bone tired.

Everyone seemed to succeed except me, which can be a very discouraging thing. My brain is so fogged now that I can't recognise a contradictino if it danced in front of me naked. Of course, my eyes are closed as well, because the slightest light triggers my head to throb like an F1 engine.

I have finally come up with a description of the debate coach's voice. His voice sounds like an untuned trombone played by an expert in farting.

useless to worry

I know that my exams are doomed so there is no use worrying about that. I shall now elaborate on my most tangible source of stress.

aaaargh...I have a stupid 3 debate marathon on Saturday, which means I have to spend the whole of this stupid week coming up with the stupid case. Ngee Yong pulled out of the team (yay) but i have to speak in three stupid debates. It seems that i have run out of adjectives.

There was a fat man from Madras
Whose two balls were made of brass
During the most stormy weather
His balls would clang together
And sparks would fly out from his arse.

i am useless

I am such a useless bum. Everything I seem to say comes out wrong. To anyone who thinks that I was attacking them, absolute apologies. UNless, of course, i meant to attack you.

Anyway

Today was one of the worst days in history (i know i say that a lot), because I have just so much to do. It doesn't help that a fat bugger like ngee yong is pissing me off with his commitment problems. (fine, i have commitment problems with guides, but that's a stupid CCA, it doesn't count) Ngee Yong is also driving scott mad, and we all know that when scott gets mad, everyone gets it. I have a strong urge to call an extermination company but I don't think that they deal with such large life forms.

Anyway, sigh, tmr we have to go to some incineration plant. From the way I'm feeling now, I will cook myself there tomorrow. My sad, charred, baking corpse shall power a whole HDB flat for about two seconds. But still, I'm more useful baking then I am here, being useless to everyone and an absolute irritant.

Wow. Another really optimistic post. Must be going through an anger/inadequete patch lately. Well, you would to if you were me. In fact, I doubt anyone actually reads my blog so I don't know why I even bother. Wait, you're reading it.

I think that before I take my O-levels, I will become schizophrenic. woohoo. Well, it doesn't matter when you're looking at someone as insignificant as me right?

out of control

One unalterable fact of life is that people like to be in control

The other unalterable fact is that they never are, not even of themselves.

Take me, for example. I like having things right under my thumb. But then you learn that there are so many things you can't rein in, especially with yourself. This makes you pissed beyond all reason. Weird, isn't it? Being pised with yourself is the worst kind of annoyance, because it's not like you can take a sledgehammer and whack yourself over the head. This, in turn, makes you even more angry, so it's a never ending cycle of hopelessness.

Yeah, not being in control makes me feel quite hopeless as well.

i am still tired

I am still tired. You would think, that after a few days of rest I'd be able to enjoy the holiday, but no.... Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are all packed for me. Can you believe that? What the hell...

And then there are horrible people who just so get on your nerves. My two sisters are home too, and it is driving me straight up the wall and suckering to the ceiling. I would go out, just that there's no where to go, and no one to go with, because everyone's busy. Then you have soemthing called tuition. Hello! The stupid exams just finished!

I shall go off now and write my stupid case for mandatory charity. If anyone can give me good reasons for not grinding myself into the cheese grater, they are welcome.

inadequecies

And so you wake up one morning and you realise just how much you really suck. After all, there is nothing you can do that anyone can't do better. You look at your grades and you go bleah. You look at your CCA and you go bleah. You look at your physical capabilities and you wanna have a heart attack. There is absolutely no way that you can escape who you really are.

It's a pity that everyone seems to be better than you. Hope of anything otherwise is merely self-delusion. I think that hopeful people are just deluding themselves to survive, because they are hoping that things will start to look up. What they don't realise is that if they bothered to see the truth, they would end up stewing themselves in a pot. I reckon that for every person you see who is worse off than you, there are ten other people who are better. So why feel grateful for what you have?ecause the people below you will feel cheated if you don't. Actually, I think they'd feel cheated anyway.

That is besides the point. My point is that no matter how you try to excel at something, someone always beats you at it. So why bother? I think the reason why people bother is so that they won't end up at the very bottom. But when someone races ahead of you, you still feel like scum, even though you just may be second place. What doesn't help is the crowd around you. They always insult you, consciously, or unconsciously. I've been guilty of the conscious kind a lot (no duh). But somehow, when people insult you unknowingly, ti seems far worse, because they continue on blithely without thinking that they might have said something wrong. If you insult someone intentionally, you know what you've said is wrong, and feel contrite (depending on who the person is). Otherwise, you'd just go on nattering without ever getting the hint that you;ve hurt someone.

I have forgotten what my point is again. I remember now. I don't want CCA to start up again.

examination of the exams

The thing about exams is that when you think about the end, you get this nice, tingly feeling. You can't wait to get to the end. But when you finally are there, all you feel is tired.

Tired because the week has been absolutely nothing but stress, exams, and insecurity. Tired because your mind and emotions have been stretched thinner than Ming Ming's waistband. So tired that even typing on your blog feels like heaving ten ton turkeys into the swimming pool. So where's the euphoria you were hoping for?

Nowhere. because once you finish the exams, the next thing you worry about is the results. The exam marking days are merely days the school has set aside to let the students torture themselves about how badly they did. It's a major conspiracy and everyone's doing it. In fact, as you go off now to bust of the computer, or watch TV, or go outside and play, there will always be that lingering number in your brain, plaguing your thoughts and haunting your worst nightmares...

49.....

living in the shadow

Dark moods call for dark colours and I guess you could say I'm in a dark mood. With the doom of a million F9s looming before me, it's hard not to get gloomy

then again, i can always get my trusty girl guide friends to cheer me up. They'll never let me down!

seriously though.

besides exam blues, i have received a cynical epiphany. I have realised that no matter how noble people are, they don't WANT to be noble, because being noble, truly noble, means that you'll suffer without reward. The rubbish they feed you about happily ever after doesn't exist. So there, I'm selfish.

but i guess, if i'm going to die....might as well cheer up and use the time i've got left

xian....

My brain is saturated with Chinese, I think I'll do bio next

No

I don't really feel like doing anything

What's the point?

an anagram of George Bush is
HE BUGS GORE

an anagram of desperation is
A ROPE ENDS IT

i don't have any rope, just some stupid cotton twine. Blah blah. Nothing great happened today, blah blah. Oh yeah, three and a half cursed hours of stupid physics...

Musings 3

turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURDturdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD
turdTURDturdTURD

sigh

I have had the worst day of my life






Wait






Second worst







Worst day of my life was 23 September 1989