je deteste ma vie

regret rewind redo

2005-10-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

Sigh..There goes the last official day of school. What study leave. I'll have to keep going back for a math remedial anyway. Oh well...Might as well try for at A at o-levels. haha, like that's a possibility. The day i get A for math is when

10. bush learns some grammar
9. apples become cubes
8. faye stops calling me irritaing
7. scott stops being a stupid bum
6. guys stop talking about dota
5. shorts grows
4. meng, nehneh and jz stop being obscene
3. kel stops destroying things
2. kiwiman goes for mole-removal surgery...and retires

and number 1 in the countdown

1. When chris stops oogling

That is never going to happen...EVER

What a sad day this has been. I want to ram my face into a wall and scream "JULIE! Why didn't you DO anything??" I want to tear my hair out and eat it. I want to eviscerate myself for being so STUPID!!

bye bye DHS

reflections

2005-10-05T04:10:00.000-07:00

Wow, this sounds like one of those pathetic CIP things they make you do. Man, maybe I'll end up missing those too.

Went to watch Corpse Bride yesterday. Ms Chia and Ms Koh went and treated our 2 classes. It's quite a smart movie, surprisingly. my only complaint is that it was too short...just like the 4 years of secondary school.

Isn't that strange? I came to Dunman High because i did so badly in my PSLE that RGS and Nanyang rejected me. I didn't want to come here. School for sad suckers like me i thought. But I actually like it here, and wth only 2 days left...imagine what i'll lose. So many great times, so many regrets.

But, before i drown in utter moroseness and melancholy, i will stop. Off to VJ now, and maybe some old friends will stay plus many new ones.

classic

2005-09-23T06:06:00.000-07:00

Give Me One Reason is a good song. It's by Tracy Chapman, really old song, but very good. I like the feeling that some instument thing is there, but missing. Poor Tracy. He must have had a traumatic childhood with a name like Tracy.

clouded rainbow

2005-09-13T06:23:00.000-07:00

My name is Richard of York. I did exist, but Shakespeare mucked around my story a bit. But I did give battle in vain

the eve

2005-09-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

This is the eve of the giant block of exams that are coming up. Today I wasted time because my mother wanted to buy a fridge. Our old one was pissing all over the floor. Something was wrong with the freezer I think. There's this towel there now to prevent anyone from skidding around in the kitchen. It's quite useless since an astronomical amount of water is coming out and I have no idea where it's coming from. cursed blasted thing i tell you.

english prelims

2005-08-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in Chris' house now updating my blog, which I haven't done for a very long time. Not that many people will read it, since it's the prelims. English today was majorly fucked up, just like the previous few weeks have been. Of course, SOME people have no idea the kind of havoc they can wreak on a person's mental health. OH well. I finished the prelims paper 10 minutes early, then started this stream of consciousness thing on the spare bit of foolscap.

I wrote about a full page when ms chia came along and asked, "Is that question 18?(the summary)" I was like "heh heh, yeah" I was afraid she would read it. It was rather vulgar. So, it rounded up the notion that I go through my life perpetually embarrassing myself.

emath and combined humans on monday. like wtf man.

none

2005-08-12T04:51:00.000-07:00

can't stand it anymore.

Through the Window

2005-08-11T04:33:00.000-07:00

Looked out through the grilles and the glass
Saw a dog, green grass, people jogging
A road, sometimes a car, on occasion
A bike or two
Nothing unusual

But something else moved

Out of the corner of my eye, the bleak
Ordinary, I peeped,
And couldn't see

Looked fully out again
And how swiftly everything went back as it should be
The store, trees, a mynah
The grass
So full and lush
Where no one appeared to step

I turned my back from the window
A breeze blew through a crack
Touched me gently on the neck
So softly

And I went back again
To look out through the grilles and the glass
Hoping to see something different
Already knowing what I would find

This poem is about imprisonment. depressing. I have a happy thought though--it all ends soon enough. even the o-levels...

like every other

2005-08-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

This is like every other day... Which would mean boring, depressing, and entirely unsalvagable. of course, what would there be to feel miserable about? Let's see. The prelims are about 2 and a half weeks away. less. and I know i'll do very badly. vair vair badly. Um...my sister's birthday is coming and i'm watching ehr get everything she wants. while i get deprived again. My parents are yelling at me mroe than ever because of everything...school sucks, and i feel as valuable as a broken radio. among other things... which also suck/

This is the thing about bloggin that I like. I can string useless sentences together that don't make sense. Has anyone figured out what The Raven means yet? It about sums up my life. Sigh. After this, I will go back to do the 10 year series. I also have this chronic headache that's been around for a fortnight. I can't even sleep it off, panadol doesn't work. I feel like breaking down...

I was so tired last night...so so so tired. Like i said before, hopeless as ramming down a wall with a toothpick. FInally got down to watching Constantine. It started out well, but then descended into the profoundly stupid.

What am i supposed to do now? so washed out...like those little dead shellfish that get washed up by the tide on the beach. Then people crusht hem underfoot, or collect their dead shells and but them triumphantly on display. What a life. What a death...

no energy...

................oh yeah, national day. BLEAH...

PS: i realised how stupid i was. i changed the settings. now anyone can post. whoops should have done that a long time ago

destressing

2005-08-07T02:45:00.000-07:00

I think that sec 4 has made all of us experts on this subject. How else would be be able to keep our sanity. Well, we haven't, but we're alive, aren't we?

I've realised that transplanting yourself from work to an activity you enjoy does very little to destress. By destressing, I think most people are trying to do is to get rid of that cluttered, foggy feeling in their heads. It's kind of like having papers lying all over the floor, the bed unmade, and the laundry in delocalised piles. It feels itchy, and you want to tear the thoughts out of your head. Doing something like playing the piano, or reading doesn't help, because you just become absorbed in another activity. Tearing yourself away from a computer game, or a book, has the same sensation as peeling yourself off math questions. Your mind has become so inerwined with the thing that you've been occupied with, that returning to a blank, notmal world is a shock. Your brain thinks it's still doing whatever it's ebing doing, leading to that cluttered feeling. Somehow, after stopping anything, you feel the weight of your consciousness more than ever.

My theory is that the only way to destress is to immerse yourself in a totally brainless action. Like staring into space, or watching TV. Problem is, you can't lose yourself in these things after your brain's been working at full speed. I think that's why people need to go on medication and things. The vicious cycle never ends.

Maybe I'll stick a tap in my head, open the faucet, and drain the thoughts out.

Oh yeah, I jst realised I've had this blog for a year. Haha. Like anything has changed for the bettter. The posts are proof of that. HAHA.

The Raven

2005-08-05T06:08:00.000-07:00

I like this poem, it's a bit long, but very haunting.

The Raven
by Edgar Allan Poe
First Published in 1845
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door."
'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,.
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,
Nameless here forevermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating," '
Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide the door;
---Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word,Lenore?,
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,"Lenore!"
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice.
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore
.Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore."
'Tis the wind, and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven, of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.
Perched upon a bust of Pallas, just above my chamber door,
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore.
Tell me what the lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore.
"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered;
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before;
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master, whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster, till his songs one burden bore,
---Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never---nevermore."

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore
--What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee -- by these angels he hath sent thee
respite---respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, O quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!
"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted
--On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:
Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me I implore!
"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore
--Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden, whom the angels name Lenore
---Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels name Lenore?
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted---nevermore!

the Awesome predator

2005-08-03T06:12:00.000-07:00

While doing a bio worksheet, scott had called a marmot the Predator of Grass. I have written a descriptive paragraph for this.

The marmot stalked up stealthily on its prey. The grass was unaware at first, and continued swaying in the breeze. However, just before the marmot took a swipe at it, the grass realised the danger that it was in. It was rooted to the spot in fear, and it had no where to run. In sheer desperation, it attempted to blend into the lush field by being green. This tactic did not fool the vigilant marmot. It saw the grass clearly. With one swift motion, it decapitated the blade of grass, wrenching at it with its paws. The marmot gulped down the unfortunate blade of grass. However, in its last death throes, the grass, being made of cellulose, made the marmot choke a little. The next time, the marmot would be more careful. Grass made for cunning little buggers.

tyred

2005-08-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

I just did something very stupid. I was ranting on this post, then I pressed some key, and the whole window closed. Now I am pissed as well as depressed. Pissed at myself. By the way, I wouldappreciate it if people stop telling me that I don't have to worry about the prelims. I am as worried as anyone else, whether or not I have a confirmed place. I don't want to leave school with a mediocre record, and that is why my math and physics marks freak me out. I am tired of people sayign they would really like to be me. If you knew, you wouldn't say that.

Secondly. I had a depressing dream alst night. I was running after this steam train as it chugged further and further away. This is not a good thing to be dreaming about jstu before you wake up. Especially on a monday morning, when nothing has changed and its the same old routine again.

Thirdly, my parents keep telling me that math and sciences are "given" subjects. Like what the hell is that supposed to mean? Just because they found it easy, doesn't mean that it is. They think that the humanitites are useless, and will very likely force me into the science stream in JC. I am not going to the science stream. It is boring and a waste of time...I do not intend to be a doctor or a scientist. I am going to take the arts, and I shall enjoy doing it.

Tyred sums up what I feel now. This is because I feel tired, and that i've been rolled over by a giant monster truck. Giant as an adjective for monstor truck is actually quite redundant. However, if I was not Julie Chan, Anne would be telling me what a clever girl/boy I was. I liked her outfit today. It was very striking. Maybe if I wore soemthing like that, I wouldn't be so invisible anymore.

Tomorrow starts with chem lab. I hate chem lab. I hate bio lab more. Well, i generally hate all lab lessons. They suck. Wow lok at me, i'm throwing a towering tantrum. I think that it is stress.

no control

2005-07-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

I think that the most depressing thing about this week was that it finally sank into my head that I have no control over anything whatsoever. Besides the usual complaints on the parental front, I am confronting the fact that I am absolutely socially retarded. I'm the kind of person who if you ask "What are you doing at the party?" I would say "I carried a watermelon." This kind of thing has happened lots of times before, which jsut goes to show how pathetic I am.

Some people are naturally good at navigating the social jungle. Everything they say or do is right. With me, I inadvertently end up saying to most insulting things. It's a good thing that I still have some friends who know I don't mean them the way they came out. Otherwise, I would be a very sad person indeed. The girl guides are still being all bitchy. Can't blame them. Find it very amusign though.

bottom rung

2005-07-25T05:41:00.000-07:00

I am very tired...so tired my bones ache and other things besides. I am so very tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of all the stress that's coming, and going to come. I'm tired of trying to be all cheerful every single minute of my life. I'm tired of having to worry about what other people think of me. I'm sick of being on the end of everyone's lsit of priorities. You would think that even family would at least put you at the top of the list, but no... same as everyone else....

and i'm so tired i want to sleep and sleep and never wake up. Of course, I might not want that later on, but being asleep, no one's to know, not even me.

as bad as murder

2005-07-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone has noticed anything strange about that Huang Na murder trial. That accused guy pleaded not guilty, yet he's showing the police all kinds of weird things, like how he killed her and dumped the body. How on earth can he be forced to do that? And if he really did that of his own volition, why plead not guilty? This proves that this trial is only a show trial, and the verdict is a foregone conclusion.

What's more, in the US, there is a right to remain silent. In Singapore courts, if you remain silent, it's taken as an admission of guilt. Where is hte urle by law? How is the system protectin the people? What the stupid fools in the government and judiciary don't realise is that htey may convict the person efficiently, but it may be a false one. Then, society is no safer, because an innocent man is behind bars, and the guilty muderer is still running around. In Singapore, it's guilty until proven innocent when it should be the other way around. What the Hell? We're surely not getting any safer...and violating hte human rights of all our citizens in hte process. The PAP should be ashamed of themselves.

i guess not

2005-07-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

The thing that can make you feel the worst in the world is gerbil fucking people who would do anything to go near a floozy who gives away her services for free. ANother thing that can make you feel utterly depressed and furious is you being unable to friggin let go of anything, much to your own detriment

julie strikes back

2005-07-12T06:02:00.000-07:00

1. Thank you supporters.

2. Sorry to these people. You were not the ones I meant to insult. If your name is not on this list, then i DID mean to insult you.

a.marina
b.sophia
c.felicia
d.meihui.
e.melissa
f. joanne
g. xiurru
h. yeah, that's it.

3. Hello... I think you people should really be careful. I mean, with all the eye-rolling you did, I think your eyes might permanently be stuck that way. You'd better be extra careful if you can't afford major surgery, since you are going to spend the rest of your life looking into the inside of your head. (god knows that's hardly the most interesting place to be looking at for seventy odd years)

4. Being in a triple science class doesn't mean you're smart. Look at the frigging L1R5s. Geez.

5. I am not going to commenton anything i said. Ask my friends for that. I have a lot.

renegade

2005-07-10T03:16:00.000-07:00

10 commandments of being in dunman high

1. Thou shalt not use grandiloquent vocabulary because the inevitable proletariat doth abhors the abtruse nature of any speech.

2. Thou shouldst select an activity thou shalt not despise. Otherwise depising others shalt be done upon you.

3. Thou shalt not speak of anything that thou knowest nothing of.

4.Thou shalt not covet thy enemy's possesions, whether material, or divine gift.

5. Thou shalt refrain from libellous and slanderous suits that doth taint thy neighbour's name.

6. Thou hath no need to kill people that doth not think like thou ( or doth think, UNLIKE thee)

7. Thou needst not concern thyself with drivel that doth not make a picometre of sense

8. Thou shalt let thy neighbours hold their own opinions and rant as they will. Leave those souls alone, and they shalt leave thee alone as well.

9. Thou shalt not do anything other than what is approved. Otherwise, people shall see thee as a turgid individual.

10. THOU SHALT LEARN TO TAKE A JOKE FOR THE GREAT LORD'S MOTHER'S SAKE

always pours

2005-07-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

Brilliant things always happen in one lump. So, in the span of five minutes, my sunday afternoon plans are Gone with the Wind (Why does everyone hate Scarlett so much? I think she was smart, just that no one else thought that about her) and my mother started screaming at me for nothing. So. Let me do what i do best. Ranting.

I don't know what some people's fucking problems are. They don't even know they have fucking problems. They don't know that THEY are the problem. I mean, fucking hell. What the fuck am I supposed to do? One of their fucking problems is they never listen anway. Every fucking thing is more fucking important, isn't it. Well no, just one fucking thing. Well what the fuck. if they don't look out, there won't be anybody to fuck around with anymore...then they'll be fucking sorry. But you know, I'm fucking worthless anyway, so how the fuck would i know right? I mean, you only ever use fucking julie for your own ends right? Once you achieve it, or it doesn't work the way you planned, then what the fuck right? I'm always fucking used. You're just a fucker that's all

the end of hell

2005-07-03T00:44:00.000-07:00

This is a very solemn moment for me. It is the first time that I am writing as a free human being. After 3 and a half years of hell, I have emerged triumphant and will never make such a mind-numbingly stupid mistake again. That goes for my other mind-numbingly stupid mistakes.

I survived it! It seemed like a complete eternity, but i survived it! Yeah!

But all the other girl guides were blubbing like whales. You'd think that they'd never see each other again, when they were practically in the same class anyway.

how to morbidly frighten yourself in perfectly normal situations

2005-06-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

1. While going up the escalator, lean back just a tiny bit. Imagine yourself falling completely backwards and hitting your head on one of those sharp corners.

2. At the stationery store, go to the place where they put out all those pencils and imagine one of those pencils putting your eye out.

3. At chem lab, think about one of those extra concentrated bottles of HCl smashing on your head, while simultaneously putting a finger right through that little hole in the Bunsen burner.

4. When doing your filing, think about how it would fell if you hole-punched your tongue.

5. Grate your tongue against one of those graters and add salt and lemon juice.

6. Imagine putting your head in the microwave oven then have your brain pop like pop corn. Or your skull could explode.

7. Imagine being killed by a falling crapsicle from an aeroplane.

8. Putting your face into the barbecue grill. And have those criss-cross marks.

9. Use a fruit peeler on your face.

10. What would it feel like to drink a whole bottle of bleach?

lost sheep

2005-06-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

My family really knows how to make me feel good about myself. My mother talks to me like a maid, and blames me for everything, then goes off and mollycoddles my sister. My father does nothing but criticise me and act like he's the bloody smartest person on earth. My brother and sister call me fat.

The JCs really know how to make me feel good about myself. "We'll get back to you"

I'm not really needed or wanted anywhere, really. Especially not at home. Well, I suppose then the only person who did pay me any attention was the resident pedophile of orchard library.

frayed

2005-06-20T05:29:00.000-07:00

I am so pissed off. What kind of double standards do my parents have? Quite obviously enough.

!

2005-06-08T06:24:00.000-07:00

Some people are so irritaing, they don't even know they're irritaing. They go through their whole lives irritaing other people, and they think they're being God's gift to God knows what. There. needed to get that out.

special report

2005-06-05T02:39:00.000-07:00

I will now comment on the mysterious phenomenon that is sweeping the male population. dota. I don't know what it stands for, but it's this incredibly moronic game where butt-ugly monsters with their little minions walk around and demolish each other's towers. There's even this bright purple dragon thing called Lucifer, whose face really does look like he's the Dark One. All their conversation revolves around it now, and on the mrt, they can go on and on and on.

You act immediately tell when the testosterone controlled sapiens start on their arse-numbingly dull adventures. All their little green men in the msn thingy simultaneously turn to busy. Then, about an hour or so later, the busy signs go away again. it's very amusing to watch, since once those little red circles apear, you know what they're up to.

Well, I suppose they have to find a way to entertain themselves. Better than some things. I, however, will spend my holidays in depressing oblivion. You wouldn't believe exactly how boring and limited it is over at my place.

fine!

2005-06-02T06:33:00.000-07:00

I am resigned to my role in life.

I shall go through life being the pincushion. Pincushions probably have one of the most thankless tasks in the world. They're expected to just sit there and get poked and stabbed at by everybody. And while they're at it, hte pincushion has to pretend to be all fluffy and happy. They can't complain, and they don't get anything they want.You know what's the worst bit? People can sit on the pincushion, AND COMPLETELY NOT KNOW IT! Which is why I always get squished, squashed, flattened, and worn down.

but you know what? I've grown to accept it. Sometimes, no matter how hard you fight, life jsut forces you back into where it wants you to be. So I'm the pincushion. That is what I am, and I will have to learn to live with it.

As for people who think that they've made screw-ups, I suggest you go repair them immediately. Send it by urgent messenger, call, scream, pray, whatever. just fix it before it's too late. Don't ever be like me and sit on it. Soon, you'll realise your shit seems to multiply and become an organism ready to swallow you. making a mistake doesn't make you a loser, but it sure makes you feel like one. Duh. now all i need to do is convince myself.

not loser material. just human

june holidaysn suck

2005-06-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

It's completely true,and i have no idea why people look foward to them so much.I get stuck at home with brother and sister, and the only thing i'm allowed to do is homework. What the hell.

Holidays also get me depressed because I feel so cut off from the rest of the world. It's not that i pine away or anything. But i always feel the lack of the happy noise that seems to emanate around the school. Somehow, the silence at home bugs me more than anything else.

I'm bored.....

I'm so stressed...

I want to die....

this sucks

my blog

2005-05-23T05:11:00.000-07:00

Haha. After nearly a year, my blog is so pathetic that I don't even have a tagboard. Will get one soon, soon as I figure out where to put that stupid code. If anyone can tell me, that would be good.

Yeah! The weekend is ending! This is the highlight of my day. My otherwise very sad day. I had pancakes for breakfast, and that was about all the good stuff that happened. I am still cramming for chinese, and that can only be a very painful thing. I am going to fail. As in F9 sort of fail. Stupid stupid stupid chinese.

Sigh. I have sadly realised that the only school that I even ahve a chance for DSA is VJ. The rest don't want debaters. And VJ debates sucks. Oh well, I might as well try and see. No harm right? Hahahaa. I feel so good. The girl guides can't apply to anything because no one wants them. Wow. That sounds so mean. Actually, a lot of people want them, but we shall not talk about those sub-humans.

Tomorrow is phototaking. I will look like a cow again. Moooooooo

the weekend that never ends

2005-05-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

I hate 3 day weekends, did I ever say that? I already hate weekends bad enough. They just get me down because they make me feel so cut off from the world, and I'm always wondering what everyone else is doing. Deifnitely more fun stuff than me. Also, it puts me into constant proximity of my parents, and you know what happens next. It's not like I can lcok myself in my room or anything, and I think my eardrums are ready to burst.

I also hate the weekends because I never seem to be able to sleep. I just lie awake in the dark, with this horrible restless feeling. The mattress feels uncomfortably hot, and I jsut want to claw the bedclothes off and rip the pillows apart. My body might feel tired, but my mind just keeps wandering and refuses to relax. I particularly hate it because I always go back and think of all the stupid things that I've done, or hte stupid things that other people keep doing to me. Then I either get so sad or irritated that it's impossible for me to go to sleep. Even then, I can't sleep in because my biological clock wakes me up so early. i HATE weekends.

On top of this, I have my infernal chinese O-levels soon. I'm going to fail. What the hell. Three generations of my family have never ever spoken chinese, and now you tell me I have to learn my mother tongue? What bullshit. How does it make me understand my heritage when it ISN'T part of my heritage. The government jsut assumes the everyone comes from madarin speaking coolies. Firstly, most do, but coolies spoke a whole not of dialects, not "mother tongue" madarin. Secondly, chinese is useless, no matter what they tell you. Did you know, according to Time magazine, in order to do business with the rest of the world, the chinese are learning ENGLISH?

julie the fucking maid. get your today!

2005-05-21T02:30:00.000-07:00

Are you looking for someone to boss around?
Are your finaces stretched?
Get a JULIE to work for you today!
She cleans her fucking sister's shoes when she's too fucking lazy!
Her mother gets to yell at her like a verbal punching bag!
No salary or thanks required!
Every spot of dirt can be blamed on JULIE!
You can cut her off from all her friends!
She doesn;t need a phone!
She doesn't need to use the computer!
After all, JULIE is FUCKING stupid!
She comes with a SPECIAL BULLSHIT STORAGE UNIT!
You can give her all the BULLSHIT you want!
With a JULIE, you can spend your time on your suck up little daughter!
If you call at 67634524 today, you can get
INFINITE BLAME PLACEMENT ON JULIE!!!!

CALL NOW!

My Fair Lady

2005-05-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with a green-eyed maid,
Loved her well, but foul she stayed.
No beauty lingered in that ancient mask
Her jaw was set for the impossible task.
Her hands were claws that did grip tight,
Her constant whispers kept me up at night
Never would she leave, even for awhile,
The slightest wrong would set off her rile.
She grasped my heart and bled my head
Killed my sense with her sharp blade.
Made the smile on my face go away.
Illicted hate and tears that are here to stay.
My enemies to them she took a fierce fight
To my friends she controlled with all her might.
My fair maid throws quite a temper,
She can shriek with frightful splendour.
If you see her keep afar
Or in your life she'll leave a scar.

funfair

2005-05-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

Hello. I'm tired, maybe from having only four hours of sleep last night. At least all the food sold out and tomorrow, we'll see if anyone comes down with food poisoning. Before the funfair, I had rice fingers. After the funfair, i think my fingers have been caramelised. It's a good thing that we had a break day today, because I would have otherwise exploded from the various stimuli that's been unceremoniously thwacking me over the head the last few weeks. I will stop complaining here since nothing can be done about life anyway. I suppose you could kill yourself, but that only leaves behind a lot of mess that you don't have the chance to clean up.

O-levels are drawing nearer and nearer. There's too little time! And now with stupid girl guides on fridays, i can be assured of a fucking good time. What am i going to do???

Oh yeah, another reason to be elated over the end of the alzhiemer's thingy. weijean and her squeally friends won't be coming in the mornings to order more earrings anymore. I think we should call the Guinness World Records. I have never seen a larger gathering of bimbotic ah lians in my life. Maybe weijean will put her many earrings in her many earholes and try to seduce elbert again. She does that whiny thing with pang too, but he's too old for her. I mean gee whiz, can't she even see how fake she is? Does she practice in front of a mirror to master her art? Or maybe, she only ever spends her free time in front of the mirror.

some people...

2005-05-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

Some people just have a way of being soooooo gay. I spend so long at City Hall at guess what? Only 2 sad little people turn up. The other gays can go and buy the stuff themselves, and if we can't claim taxi fare, i'm gonna flip

adrift

2005-05-08T00:12:00.002-07:00

lfieboat

people

threw me off

landed in icy water

current took me

farther and farther away

people

in lifeboat

laughing their heads off

adrift

2005-05-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

lfieboat

people

threw me off

landed in icy water

current took me

farther and farther away

people

in lifeboat

laughing their heads off

latest news

2005-04-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

hello loyal followers of my blog, who are few and far between. i'm in a very confused and bo chap mood today so my rantings will be particularly incoherant. settling back into a normal routine is quite strange, since after debates, everything has gone crazy.

the latest singapore bullshit is here again. first we have the intergrated resorts with people being concerned with onlt the most minor and trivial arguments. maybe they are the only ones that the straits times bothers to publish. its amazing how singapore is willing to trust foreigners more than its own people with gambling. i feel so comforted. just as Rochester says in Jane Eyre, a living being will submit to anything for a salary. i guess they're getting quite desperate up there.

oh, and i think that the chatroom teenage sex thing is absolute nonsense. they're getting worked up in the wrong area. chatrooms are hardly the source of the problem. people just want to blame technology for the world's sins. man, you should have heard the girls in my watch during obs. they sure weren't doing anything over chatrooms. but...

oh well

2005-04-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

We lost to NJC. Interestingly, I'm not sad about that. A bit miffed, but that's all. It's a pity the ju8dges couldn't see our tsunami case, and a bigger one that we weren't clear enough. Oh well. back to normal stuff now.

Thanks to chris and scott for amking a good team

Thanks to coach for taking us this far

Thanks to ken for givinv us space to prepare

Thanks to our supporters who came all the way to ACJC, even skipping CCA, the bastards

cellophane

2005-04-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

You can see right through me
Walk right by me
Cos I'm cellophane..

I am so tired. AH.

This pope stuff is getting really irritating. No one appreciated him while he was alive, then when he dies, everyone cries. This is Christianity's biggest show of hypocrisy. That, and preaching to love thy neighbour

congrats!

2005-04-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

Congrats to all the band ppl! Great job guys. I knew you could do it.

break the curse

2005-04-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will decide our fate again. so much stress! If we lose to Fairfield, I will scream and tear my hair out. If we lose, I shall shut myself in a nunnery. My only companions will be silence and a doll made out of rags and straw.

If anyone wants to come support us, please do.

Warning: You may get disappointed

booyah!

2005-04-01T05:51:00.000-08:00

Ahahahahahaha! I'm in a really good mood. We beat the Barker gays! Yeah! They looked quite sore about it, but hey, they didn't even write their own speeches, so there. There was this particular sam seng kia one that seemed like he was gogin to beat us up, but hell. And even better, we're ranked fourth, so we're in the quarters. Hahaha. I feel good and drunk. And there I was, so dang blasted worried we'd get kicked out. And stupid JGs organizers. There was a tie with Fairfield and River Valley, and it was decided by a coin toss. wah lao. I suppose coach was in a good mood too, because he treated us to coffee bean.

Next week will be stressful again. Oh well. I don't even know why I was feeling so depressed. HAHAHA. Great. Now you must think I'm some kind of freak.

Hm. I missed speech day. I wonder when I'll get my book voucher.

time of upheaval

2005-03-31T05:51:00.000-08:00

Life hasn't been treating me good lately, and don't I know it. Things have become really stupid, but I'm not going to fall on my knees and say it's all my fault. It's beautifully stunning how childish some people can get. Oh well. No big loss.

I shall tell you what is a big loss. A big loss is something that cannot be controlled, as is something that you majorly fucked up. It rubs that fact into your face everyday and makes you feel ten times worse. Now, that, is definitely my fault. It's like an allergy. The more you're exposed to it, the worse it feels.

And there's a debaet against those Barker gays tomorrow. Tomorrow, our fate will be decided. OH well. If we lose, I shall never show my ugly, pathetic, mirror-shattering face again.

hopeless

2005-03-07T06:04:00.000-08:00

I'm never going to be able to do this. It's the feeling when the whole world, human and divine, is ganging up on your puny little self. It's the feeling that you're a slug about to melt in a cooking pot. Is it so hard?

call for supporters (again)

2005-02-22T04:47:00.000-08:00

I don't even know why I bother, and it's even less likely ppl will turn up this time because it's so darn late

Unity Secondary School
Bus leaves DHS at 7pm on friday

we're doomed

sigh

i will become nothing more than a mess of blood and intestines.

valentine's day

2005-02-14T04:49:00.000-08:00

Today was Valentine's.

Duh.

I personally have nothing against Valentine's. I just don't like the swirl of materialism that comes with it. It degrades itself to a competition of who bought the pinkest present and which guy bought the most gigantic bear. I can already hear the accusations, that I am against it because I don't GET anything. Gee.

But think about it. Valentine's Day shows how much money you're willing to spend, not how you feel, and the two of them don't always go together. THEN people go around squealing and sounding all excited over really garish and downright tacky balloons. We are pathetic. I am glad that most of my friends show appreciation everyday OTHER than Valentine's Day so thank you them

chinese new year visitations

2005-02-09T04:49:00.001-08:00

Amusing things always take plce when you go visit relatives who don't even know you exist.

It starts with the usual "wah, so tall!", and "how old are you ah?". And this is taking for granted that they speak English. My great-grandmother, for instance, only speaks multiple dialects and Malay. Every year, she berates me for not speaking Malay in Malay, and every year she grows more and more senile. She's about 90, and has the short term memory of a goldfish. The funniest part came when she asked the 3 of us what CCAs we took. My brother and sister were easy to explain, because chess and gymnastics translates easily. When my dad tried to tell her I was in debate, she thought I was a 25 year old lawyer...and she asked us the same question 6 times. I counted.

Visiting today was tiring, because on my mother's side, I have a total of 12 living grand aunts/uncles. They have ALREADY started asking me whether I have a boyfriend. I was stunned, because I thought they only ask you that when you're 35 and still collecting ang paos. But I suppose their going by the pre-Industrial Revoltution biological clock, where you married by 11, had 9 kids at 13, went senile at 15, then on your 16th birthday got sealed into a wooden box. You could see both my parents tense up and lean foward, then deflate with relief when I said no, I don't have a boyfriend. Next year, I'll say that his name is Tan Ah Beng, he has 88 piercings on various parts of his body, drives a lorry, has body odour, and is 42 years old.

Tomorrow we're going to see post-Jurassic era peopl, mostly my mom's colleagues etc.

chinese new year visitations

2005-02-09T04:49:00.000-08:00

tired

2005-02-05T04:49:00.000-08:00

I'm pooped, so I wrote a poem to sum up my feelings. It's called "How I Hate A Math"

How I Hate A Math

A Math, A Math is such a pain
It stinks worse than a sewer drain
In the end there's nothing to gain
It curdles up and churns your brain

There is nothing about A Math to like
It is less pleasant than a tax hike
With A Math there is no end in sight
Especially whenhomework comes in to strike

A Math can make grown men cry
It wrings your mind until it's dry
It's as fun as cleaning out a pig sty
I just want to curl up and die

A Math is forever, like a stain
Doing Assignment 2 is such a bane
I'd rather eat wads of itchy dumbcane
How I hate A Math

stupid me

2005-02-03T04:49:00.000-08:00

How can you solve any problems by being depressed? See? That shows how stupid I've been. Bleah. And how can telling people you're depressed help solve anything? It jstu makes you look whiny.

Besides, there are more pressing and abysmal things at the moment.

bio test....

never mind, in bio, half the answers can be explained by surface area...

my natural state

2005-01-31T04:49:00.000-08:00

After a few days of jubilation, I'm back to my natural state

depression

we won!

2005-01-29T04:49:00.000-08:00

Ahahahaha. That was one of the funniest debates in my life. All that preparation and hard work into writing brilliant rebuttals came to nothing because we didn't need them. It was a unanimous decision, so good.

Of course, that didn't stop our coach from obsessing the moment he got to school yesterday. He changed chris' speech at 4 pm, then spent the better part of an hour talking star trek. After that, he lectured us about the different kinds of camera lenses, then made us retie our ties over and over and over again. Then on the very empty chartered bus, insisted that the three of us close our eyes and sleep. He's such a prude.

Dunman probably went there looking like the most bo chap school anyway, because we were the only ones who weren't dripping sweat from the blazers...hahaha i'm drunk.

And now that this stupid thing is over, I can finally say, who the HELL cares how much sportsmen earn? Btw, can someone please convince chris that she didn't suck? Melody and I didn't succeed

call for supporters

2005-01-21T04:49:00.008-08:00

First Toa Payoh Secondary School
7.15pm

anyone is better than rows of empty chairs on the Dunman side.

puzzlement

2005-01-21T04:49:00.006-08:00

Haven't updated by blog for long, so here goes.

ON the issue of the tsunami: nuff said

On the issue of crazy, desperate people: hire exterminators

ON the issue of my life: Anyone who reads the full version would scream, claw their eyes out and jump off a cliff. Either that or become sterile. So count your blessings.

The bright spark: i passed my first written chem test

bleah

2004-12-20T02:36:00.000-08:00

Life

Life is sadenning
Life has no meaning at all
Life, who cares?

irritants

2004-12-16T02:36:00.002-08:00

I'm not in a very politicky mood today, because I need to rail. What about? Well, you would feel like wrapping glove-protected fingers around that stupid oily poxy neck and squeezing until it pops. I'm so mad that my teeth are grinding together and playing Beethoven's Symphony No. 5. I'm so irritated that the most powerfuk rash cream would only make me explode.

Oh, and I have to add, that Singapore should attach my parents to the power plant. When the lights go out, all they'll have to do it say "Let's poke Julie's parents a bit, it'll power the city for a week".

Singapore's Disgrace

2004-12-16T02:36:00.001-08:00

Isn't it shameful what has, or rather, hasn't, hit the news? A few days ago, there was a small article that reported the police had not granted a license fora gay party. This is utterly disgraceful, reasons cited include the age old excuse, traditional Asian values. What, may I ask, are these? Filial piety? Found all over the world. Don't murder? Oh please...

Even if we were to accept there is such a wonderful thing, what the government is in effect saying is that their values are far better than anyone else's, thus taking a very patriachal stand to everything. What they are doing is imposing their own moral values on others, yet claiming "no discrimination". Isn't that absurd?

The next problem is that argument about what's "natural". In my opinion, its a load of elephant dung. First, what is natural, and why is it so good? Human beings do unnnatural things all the time. Skyscrapers are unnatural, so are cars. No one has proven how one's sexual orientation is a yardstick for morality. Even if we do accept biased figures that homosexuals are more promiscious, its only because they have nothing to tie them down, like marriage. The even if it is a choice, it is between 2 consenting adults, with no 3rd party harm. We shouldn't discriminate on choice.

Ukranian Elections

2004-12-16T02:36:00.000-08:00

The people who express surprise and shock at Viktor Yuchenko's dioxin poisoning are in my opinion, exceptionally thick. With a country like Ukraine, democracy, let alone fair elections is a new idea. The poor sod will no longer have his face, but must be commended for his brave attempt

fahrenheit 9/11

2004-12-05T06:00:00.000-08:00

Michael Moore is definitely a talented film-maker, and the movie was quite funny, but I think a bit extreme. Yes, Dubya is a complete nitwit when it comes to making good decisions and the war in Iraq was a big mistake, but Moore just completely turned the movie into a mudslinging arena.

The thing is, Bush had the media behind him at some point, what with all his catchphrases and everything, so naturally all the sheep Americans supported him. Now, it's a free for all. Still, I don't think that anyone has the right to condemn him that much, because you don't know how things would turn out if he didn't do what he did. They could have been better, or they could have been a hell lot worse.

anger management

2004-12-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know, I haven't been posting for hell of a long time. But, things come up, and we have to change with them. Anyway, I would like everyone to know that the holidays' haven't been treating me well, with many people getting on my nerves, giving me bullshit, and generally, people who belong up on Uranus. I have about had it, and the worst bit is...I can't do a thing about it, which makes me even more mad, and so on.

I have some anger issues, so sue me. Each and everyday I have to wake up and everything just keeps rushing back. It's like one of those stupid movies with the cracking dam. First a little hairline, then it stops. Then the whole wall of water comes smashing out. If those people knew how they were making me itch, they'd be prety scared...

The only silver lining is that today is the first day of ATC, and I'm sitting at home...

ragdoll

2004-10-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

I could spend my time talking about inconsequential little things. I could say that being an MC means saying a lot of gay shit and feeling embarrassed. I could say that haha my name got read out on the PA system today. But I won't.

Instead I will say that I'm tired. Tired of keeping up a pretense. Ignorance is bliss is delusion. All I want to do now is retreat in my own world and stay there for all eternity. Somewhere, nice, quiet, and free of people.

Now I sound melodramatic. Well, sue me, I'm in a melodramatic mood. Nothing can change that.

optimism

2004-10-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

I think that being optimistic is a curse. It keeps you hoping that things will get better, and when they don't, you feel even worse.

I am cursed

the end

2004-10-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

Nasty shocks today, not like I haven't been expecting them of course.

Stress is catching up with me. I have a feeling that when I wake up tomorrow, I will have a head of white hair, or no hair at all. Fifteem year old in the US are doing nothing but slacking and smoking pot, either that or groping each other, so I guess they're not that much better off. So why do I feel so damn deprived?

Perhaps because I have no free time for myself. Rush rush rush the whole day. If i had a choice, I would maroon myself on a desert island with a computer, broadband connection, handphone, and cable TV. I shall be completely satisfied for abouta week. After that, I would be sick of eating sand and drinking coconut juice.

failure

2004-10-18T06:00:00.003-07:00

I hate losing. but I did a lot of that today. What can you expect? When your silly coach sends you to a competition to be humiliated, there is nothing much you can do. Ken wasn't helping much either; he was giggling all the way. Well, I supposed he had something to giggle about. Not me. I'm just bone tired.

Everyone seemed to succeed except me, which can be a very discouraging thing. My brain is so fogged now that I can't recognise a contradictino if it danced in front of me naked. Of course, my eyes are closed as well, because the slightest light triggers my head to throb like an F1 engine.

I have finally come up with a description of the debate coach's voice. His voice sounds like an untuned trombone played by an expert in farting.

useless to worry

2004-10-18T06:00:00.002-07:00

I know that my exams are doomed so there is no use worrying about that. I shall now elaborate on my most tangible source of stress.

aaaargh...I have a stupid 3 debate marathon on Saturday, which means I have to spend the whole of this stupid week coming up with the stupid case. Ngee Yong pulled out of the team (yay) but i have to speak in three stupid debates. It seems that i have run out of adjectives.

There was a fat man from Madras
Whose two balls were made of brass
During the most stormy weather
His balls would clang together
And sparks would fly out from his arse.

i am useless

2004-10-18T06:00:00.001-07:00

I am such a useless bum. Everything I seem to say comes out wrong. To anyone who thinks that I was attacking them, absolute apologies. UNless, of course, i meant to attack you.

Anyway

Today was one of the worst days in history (i know i say that a lot), because I have just so much to do. It doesn't help that a fat bugger like ngee yong is pissing me off with his commitment problems. (fine, i have commitment problems with guides, but that's a stupid CCA, it doesn't count) Ngee Yong is also driving scott mad, and we all know that when scott gets mad, everyone gets it. I have a strong urge to call an extermination company but I don't think that they deal with such large life forms.

Anyway, sigh, tmr we have to go to some incineration plant. From the way I'm feeling now, I will cook myself there tomorrow. My sad, charred, baking corpse shall power a whole HDB flat for about two seconds. But still, I'm more useful baking then I am here, being useless to everyone and an absolute irritant.

Wow. Another really optimistic post. Must be going through an anger/inadequete patch lately. Well, you would to if you were me. In fact, I doubt anyone actually reads my blog so I don't know why I even bother. Wait, you're reading it.

I think that before I take my O-levels, I will become schizophrenic. woohoo. Well, it doesn't matter when you're looking at someone as insignificant as me right?

out of control

2004-10-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

One unalterable fact of life is that people like to be in control

The other unalterable fact is that they never are, not even of themselves.

Take me, for example. I like having things right under my thumb. But then you learn that there are so many things you can't rein in, especially with yourself. This makes you pissed beyond all reason. Weird, isn't it? Being pised with yourself is the worst kind of annoyance, because it's not like you can take a sledgehammer and whack yourself over the head. This, in turn, makes you even more angry, so it's a never ending cycle of hopelessness.

Yeah, not being in control makes me feel quite hopeless as well.

i am still tired

2004-10-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

I am still tired. You would think, that after a few days of rest I'd be able to enjoy the holiday, but no.... Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are all packed for me. Can you believe that? What the hell...

And then there are horrible people who just so get on your nerves. My two sisters are home too, and it is driving me straight up the wall and suckering to the ceiling. I would go out, just that there's no where to go, and no one to go with, because everyone's busy. Then you have soemthing called tuition. Hello! The stupid exams just finished!

I shall go off now and write my stupid case for mandatory charity. If anyone can give me good reasons for not grinding myself into the cheese grater, they are welcome.

inadequecies

2004-10-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

And so you wake up one morning and you realise just how much you really suck. After all, there is nothing you can do that anyone can't do better. You look at your grades and you go bleah. You look at your CCA and you go bleah. You look at your physical capabilities and you wanna have a heart attack. There is absolutely no way that you can escape who you really are.

It's a pity that everyone seems to be better than you. Hope of anything otherwise is merely self-delusion. I think that hopeful people are just deluding themselves to survive, because they are hoping that things will start to look up. What they don't realise is that if they bothered to see the truth, they would end up stewing themselves in a pot. I reckon that for every person you see who is worse off than you, there are ten other people who are better. So why feel grateful for what you have?ecause the people below you will feel cheated if you don't. Actually, I think they'd feel cheated anyway.

That is besides the point. My point is that no matter how you try to excel at something, someone always beats you at it. So why bother? I think the reason why people bother is so that they won't end up at the very bottom. But when someone races ahead of you, you still feel like scum, even though you just may be second place. What doesn't help is the crowd around you. They always insult you, consciously, or unconsciously. I've been guilty of the conscious kind a lot (no duh). But somehow, when people insult you unknowingly, ti seems far worse, because they continue on blithely without thinking that they might have said something wrong. If you insult someone intentionally, you know what you've said is wrong, and feel contrite (depending on who the person is). Otherwise, you'd just go on nattering without ever getting the hint that you;ve hurt someone.

I have forgotten what my point is again. I remember now. I don't want CCA to start up again.

examination of the exams

2004-10-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

The thing about exams is that when you think about the end, you get this nice, tingly feeling. You can't wait to get to the end. But when you finally are there, all you feel is tired.

Tired because the week has been absolutely nothing but stress, exams, and insecurity. Tired because your mind and emotions have been stretched thinner than Ming Ming's waistband. So tired that even typing on your blog feels like heaving ten ton turkeys into the swimming pool. So where's the euphoria you were hoping for?

Nowhere. because once you finish the exams, the next thing you worry about is the results. The exam marking days are merely days the school has set aside to let the students torture themselves about how badly they did. It's a major conspiracy and everyone's doing it. In fact, as you go off now to bust of the computer, or watch TV, or go outside and play, there will always be that lingering number in your brain, plaguing your thoughts and haunting your worst nightmares...

49.....

living in the shadow

2004-10-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

Dark moods call for dark colours and I guess you could say I'm in a dark mood. With the doom of a million F9s looming before me, it's hard not to get gloomy

then again, i can always get my trusty girl guide friends to cheer me up. They'll never let me down!

seriously though.

besides exam blues, i have received a cynical epiphany. I have realised that no matter how noble people are, they don't WANT to be noble, because being noble, truly noble, means that you'll suffer without reward. The rubbish they feed you about happily ever after doesn't exist. So there, I'm selfish.

but i guess, if i'm going to die....might as well cheer up and use the time i've got left

xian....

2004-10-02T04:59:00.000-07:00

My brain is saturated with Chinese, I think I'll do bio next

No

I don't really feel like doing anything

What's the point?

an anagram of George Bush is
HE BUGS GORE

an anagram of desperation is
A ROPE ENDS IT

i don't have any rope, just some stupid cotton twine. Blah blah. Nothing great happened today, blah blah. Oh yeah, three and a half cursed hours of stupid physics...

Musings 3

2004-10-02T01:52:00.000-07:00

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sigh

2004-10-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

I have had the worst day of my life

Wait

Second worst

Worst day of my life was 23 September 1989

duh...

2004-09-20T05:59:00.000-07:00

some people just ask such painfully stupid questions

for example:

what are you going to do with that pen?
hm.. let's see, i feel like testing my rectal temperature with it

are you going to pay for that?
no, i'm going to steal it. i just brought it to the counter so you could watch me run away with the stuff

julie! what did you do to the bed?
um. I slept in it

you fell down?
no, I'm just wiping the floor with my sorry butt

are you alrgiht?
I think so. Could you just help me pick up my arm? I'm a bit shorthanded.

can you hear me?
no.

did you get back safely?
well, not really. i'm talkign to you from the kidnapper's handphone and i have a gun to my head.

where have you been?
with myself

though of course, there's one REALLY stupid question that people ask me on a regular basis

do you like guides?
Oh my Got! Of course lah! I love guides. It's soooo fun, and everyone is so nice.

religion...unknown

2004-09-15T05:55:00.000-07:00

ICs are just painfully stupid parts of the bureaucracy. Why don't you just be smart like America (one of the rare times) and combine IC and driver's license? Know why? Unlike Bush country, we are too paranoid to let sixteen year olds drive. Whose fault is that?

And just a week ago, I received that blue form to apply for my IC. When I got it, I thought the ISD had finally come to get me, but then, I'm paranoid too. So there's this whole bunch of stuff about me, then my dialect, Hokkien. I don't even speak Hokkien, my grandparents don't. Same as Chinese. In my family, no one for three generations has spoken Chinese. Mother tongue my foot. And then, under religion, there is unknown. Utterly stupid. It seems that the government, being unable to classify and label me, has decided that I am an interesting and slightly illegal specimen. Either that, or I belong to an unknown cult whose prophet is a gibbering orang utan in the Amazon. If there were orang utans in the Amazon.

Maybe, when I turn fifteen, I will declare to the world that I am actually and alien from Betelguese and I have three antennae and beep.

revising

2004-09-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this. The exams are three weeks away and I'm so behind in maths and science. I wish I could skip that bloody parent child day thing. More time to revise. Great. Can things get any better?

My brother's having his prelims next week and the atmosphere here isn't exactly relaxed. Last night, I heard him shouting maths formulas in his sleep. It would be funy, if it weren't so tragic. Whatever happened to the "just do your best" thing? What has this sorry world done to itself?

Quite alot

And worse news is that we HAVE to have five day weeks as of next year. Wowee. HOw am I going to fit both my stupid CCAs?

Musings 2

2004-09-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

Secrets have always been interesting things. Stuff in general. When your're a kid, a great secret would be the chocolate you stuffed in a box somewhere, then left to rot, or that you punched your sister on the nose and didn't want anyone to find out. Small secrets.

Then there are the big ones. Things that you don't want people to know, and hope they never find out. Everyone has at least one big secret, but you can always tell. There's this feeling you get in your gut when something hits you as being not quite right, but you've nothing else to go on but the feeling. Stupid, nosy people look for proof. But secrets are best left alone. When you find out what they are, when they're not meant for you, it's not fun. The truth hurts.

Take for example, my brother. I only recently discovered that she's not really a he at all. (bit obvious really). She got expelled from school. You can't expect her to go to a boy's school right?

school holidays my left buttock

2004-09-06T03:57:00.000-07:00

This is not a school holiday. I have to go to school 5 out of the 7 days this week, which is just one day less than normal. This really, really, sucks. All my fault really. Why did I have to go and call all those people? Especially since they have no brains whatsoever and irritate me to high heaven. Sigh.

oh yeah.

I'm making a statement that I'm absolutely against the 5 day week. Only more stress and later days.

Musings

2004-09-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

This subject is really old, and everyone who knows me probably has heard me railing about this one gajillion times already, but heck. I have realised some really interesting and banal things

Firstly, why is it that when parents yell at you, they always end their sentences with "DO YOU HEAR ME?" What sort of moronic question is that? I mean, hello, you're already at the volume of a rock concert, but no, I'm deaf, so I can't possibly hear something that sounds like a Boeing 747 flying past my ear. And then, there's the thing where I can't be angry or depressed. I'm supposed to be a effing smiling manequin, even when my effing parents (hey, if they weren't effing, I wouldn't be here) accuse me of something I didn't do and yell and punish me for it. You try and see how it feels to have anger build up inside you and you can't let it out. I telly you, I'm going to have a heart attack before I'm 15.

So here are the more mild, interesting stuff I realised. My grandfather's name is Joseph. My grandmother's name was Mary. Also, if all of Singapore's politicians came together and started talking, the ground would sprout with the Earth's most beautiful flowers

Girl Guides

2004-09-02T03:39:00.000-07:00

I have realised, that my blog is horribly uncouth. I swear alot, and when I'm not doing that, I write rude poems. So this is going to be a scientific study. The species that I am going to examine are guides.

These sub0species has always provided the greatest fascination for me. The thing that shocks me the mose about them is exactly how stupid they are. You may think that you've met the stupidest people in your life, butr until you meet a guide, you just don't know how lucky you are. THey wear their hair in odious little layered bobs that look like pineapples, and their bags hang down at their butts. So there you have it

Guides do not generally have a very good command og English. Neither do they have a good command of the real world. When they jay-walk, they scream, when they run, they scream, when they read, they scream, when they are sleeping, I bet they scream.

When encountering a guide. The best thing to do is put earplugs in your ears and a stupid expression on your face. trying to avoid them only makes them chase after you.

ARGH!!!

2004-09-01T03:48:00.000-07:00

MY STUPID PARENTS ARE DRIVING ME NUTS! EVEN A FUCKING ALMOND CAN'T BE MORE NUTS THAN ME! I NEVER EVER WANT TO END UP LIKR THEM, THE HYPOCRITICAL SHAMELESS HEARTLESS CRUEL CONIVING SOULESS LUMPEN BITS OF FERMENTED COW PAT! WHAT THE HELL. IF THERE WAS ANY BIGGER FONT, I WOULD USE IT!

History

2004-08-31T03:36:00.000-07:00

Some thing are so miraculous that you can call them miracles, some things seem like miracles until you understand them. And some things simply can't be understood. History is one of these things. There are generally two kinds of history. The first is the oh-look-I've-just-invented-air-conditioned-underwear kind of history. The second kind would be oh-shit-here's-Osama-in-an-effing-Airbus-and-I-think-it's-gonna-crash. Today was historical in the second way. Still, history is history and it still has to be recorded. This is a poem from an eye-witness.

All hail
All hail the Great
All hail the Desperate
All hail the Great and Desperate
All hail the Great and Desperate Stephanie
Who today was extra nice to me
Because she wanted to massage the shoulder
Of someone she badly wanted to see

This, of course, is very biased, and history should avoid being that. Therefore, this is probably the viewpoint of the person who got his shoulder massaged.

Oh no
Stephanie
Um
Run away
Step slowly
Around
Please don't see me
Darn, she saw me
Just say hi
nothing more
no! no!
keep your hands to yourself!
stay away!
not the shoulder!
please not the shoulder!
Aaaah shit.

A more concise version would be the shoulder's point of view

Oh no
Not again

But since history needs to show everyone's perspective, here is Stephanie's.

Oooooooooooooo
Must fake being nice
ok, now let's ambush him
one, two three
yay!
I touched his shoulder!
Woohoo
Go me!
I'm so happy
I'll never wash my hand again!
I'm so happy!

Cool right? ine might have been traumatising, but for the sake of a good laugh, let's hope history repeats itself

Undergarments

2004-08-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

I realised, that my twelve year old brother wears XL underwear for five year olds. This means that he has interesting ons with clowns, aeroplanes, and tractors! I hope his friends find out. That'll be beyond cool.

debates in the drain

2004-08-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

Those were the most pathetic bunch of juniors I have ever seen. Okay, so it's thei third session, but they should have at least got the basics down! The girls belong in guides and the guys in scouts. (no offense) They're that thick. The worst debater at moot still wouldn't compare. I mean geez! How hard can it be to understand what CLARIFICATION means?

And our new coach was a disappointment too. The school should've stuck with Shaun. I hope he warms up, else we're all doomed. Oh yeah. The return of the ngee yong.

I JUST DON'T GET PEOPLE!!! WHY ARE THEY SO CONFUSING!!!!

Bleah

2004-08-26T03:34:00.000-07:00

These are things that disgust me

1. Sea cucumbers. Never looked at them the same way since Tioman
2. My brother
3. My sister
4. Frolicking
5. My parents. Never met any more hypocritical fish wankers than them
6. Ms Khoo. everyone knows why
7. Peeling skin, the sunburned kind, especially when it's falling all over my table
8. Brad Pitt
9. Kid with runny noses. They give me the chills
10. Starfish

Curses

2004-08-24T03:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks kel, I'm fine. Except when I'm home of course. You wouldn't believe the isolation I feel everytime I'm home. Can't go online, no hp, it's depressing. Don't worry chris, i won't jump off a building or anything.

And THEN bloody fuck I lost my effing wallet today. Hell. My house key and ez-link were in there. Bloody effing toadstool. I am so screwed. It never rains but pours. This is great. Just another thing for my parents to curse at me for. Why? WHY? I'd rather have an enema. I feel like I'm having an enema. Bloody hell. BLOODY HELL what am I going to do?

Oh yeah, I wrote a nice song about Khoo today.

Lone Shoe

2004-08-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

Still miserable, like a lone shoe on a highway, and my stupid sister's friends aren't helping. Eff, now I sound all mushy.

She's having some sort of birthday party today and the theme is pink. You wouldn't have thought it possible that a single person could wear so much pink but they can. Her silly friends giggle at EVERYTHING. What's more, they're GEP haters so there. Now they are watching some gay movie called Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and man, they are bimbos, except not pretty, which means they are stupid idiots. My fingers are startign to itch from restraining myself. AARGH. And my mother is being all bimbo together with them. Isn't this fun? I'd rather swallow a swig of alligator bile than be in their prescence. Only someone with a bimbo sister would know how I feel

OBS

2004-08-20T03:58:00.000-07:00

OBS was great. Kayaking was the coolest part, especially the sea expedition. It was really good except for te last 100m, when salt water got into my eyes and I had to row with my effing eyes closed, meaning that chris had to row harder. The jetty jump wasn't bad either, I went twice, but Alpha Male got scared, and according to Mervin, did breakdancing on the plank. He lowered himself to a sitting position, then LJ tried to persuade him to jump. When that failed, Chao Han shivered and breakdanced back to safety again.

The worst part would be the hiking, which felt like I was carrying Ming on my back. Not very fun. Then I was sucked dry by mosquitoes and sandflies and shat stones in the morning. I still have constipation. Kel stabbed himself in the leg and grew a tennis ball. Oh yeah, on the last night, my stupid watch wanted to sleep in the effing stall, which was infested with ants and cockroaches. Stupid twits. I managed to persuade them otherwise.

Today I am utterly miserable, like a lone shoe on a highway. You wouldn't understand.

Disappointment

2004-08-13T04:27:00.000-07:00

Today would be about the most pissing day that I've had so far. GEEZ. What to the freakin judges have against my team? THEY WERE VERY VERY GOOD. and what about the opposition? MOE must have a thing against DHS. And don't call me a sore loser if you haven't seen the way the judges were treating us. Especially that Indian guy. MAN!

On a more egoistical note, I am most sad that I was runner up for Best Debater, runner up to a couple of boring goons. Damn. ANY DHS PERSON WOULD HAVE DESERVED THAT AWARD. Heck, I wouldn't care if i was rankwed last, as long as some dunman high person had got that prize.

This program has only showed me that while important but controversial issues are good for "academic exercise", the Singapore government is going to keep its tight, cold, undead, grip on power. Acitve citizen? Don't worry, Singapore can always count on me to criticise what needs to be sawn away.

perfect crew, partisan judges

2004-08-11T03:32:00.000-07:00

Chris, Dessie, and Kel were brilliant today, and I had lots of fun insulting those nanyang twerps. They sucked big time and everything that we predicted, they said. Lean, mean, breeding machine indeed.

We should win best prop, but the judges were so bloody partisan. Geez, we so clearly blew away nanyang that they had the nerve to tell us that we didn't answer anything at all. If they WERE trained adjudicators, which they weren't they would see that our debate wasn't based on policy, but was a principle one. Come on, we FLATTENED nanyang convincingly. The judges deserve to be hung from parliament's ceiling. Just because they were society's most conservative member didn't mean that everyone else had to follow them. ARGH.

And there's this thing with ASIAN values. Oh my god, i could just puke. What the hell. The PAP just repeats that over and over and over again to kepp freakin people quiet. Let me ask you then, what ARE Asian values? Not the one's the PAP tells you, the REAL one. Bloody hell, Asia is such a big friggin place, how the heck are we supposed to have one, universal set of "Asian values". It's just a load of male cow manure. If anyone EVER repeats that EFFING phrase at me again, i will BLOW UP!

Godzilla in stomach

2004-08-10T03:40:00.000-07:00

When people are really nervous, they get butterflies in their stomach. When I get nervous, Godzilla messes up my insides. Sure, maybe the Chris, Kel and Dessie have more to feel nervous about, but Godzilla is still here. I'm not nervous now, just have a sick feeling in my twisted guts. It'll hit later, just before the debate

It's when you realise, shit, my speech isn't out properly yet. Then you hands start tremblin

g, just a bit. Next, you feel your rectum tightening up (yeah, that sounds sick), followed by your voice stuttering all the way. After you hear your own voice going haywire, you realise, frick, I'm screwed. There goes the rest of your speech.
My sister was also being particularly annoying today, so i composed a rude poem about her. I can't stand the way she plays favourite and sucks up all the time. The worst thing is, she IS that stupid. I'm not being mean, because you should see the way she tattles on me to my mother. She's also anti-GEP, but her friends don't know that she had so badly wanted to get in. Now my other sister, the one in ACS, thinks she's so bloody smart and argues nonsensical rubbish at me. Bimbo.

My Sister
My sister is as stupid as stupid can be
Her brain is more wooden than a tree
From her ears greeen turnips sprout
She smells just like a rotten trout
My mother thinks she is so quick
But her skull is two metres thick
Sometimes you think that she is dead
Just because nothing goes on in her head
At two she started sucking her toe
From then on I knew she was damn bimbo
I don't know why she started ballet
Her dance moves alone bring down a chalet
My sister's hair smells just like puke
It looks like it's been bombed by a nuke
Of all her dresses, the pink one's worst
It makes her look like she's going to burst
I think my mother made a horrible mistake
When she decided, okay, let's have a third
She got confused and in the end did make
A stupid, slushy, pile of turd.

I am not blind

2004-08-09T01:21:00.000-07:00

I wish people would just realise that i have two eyes in my head and am not blind. I am also not blur and stupid, i can deduce things. Go figure.

The Monarchy

2004-08-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

The National Day Message was so full of bull you could hear it moo. The general gist of what PM Goh was saying went like "I am handing down to Son of God. he is good." All the stuff about progreesive society, but a planned progress, sounded so butt kissing. Who the heck would buy something like that? What's more, he was saying how wonderful Lee Kuan Yew was, then rolling on about how the new "team" would be great. I don't think he wanted to do that speech very much, just that God forced him to. Satying on in Cabinet? Hm. Another Senior Minister? Why can't the friggin family just let go? Oh yeah. Goh also said something about Singapore's leaders not going after power. He probably said that because it was the exact opposite of what was happening. The worst thing is, all the stupid bimbos on the street listen to this message, thinking they're so smart and chim, and in the end, believe it! It's never going to change. Singapore is a monarchy. A progressive society my left buttock it is. The NDP this year will be even more rubbishy than usual. What can you expect? I'm sure there are more capable leaders, just that no one wants to sacrifice their cushy jobs to start aa proper opposition, not the lousy, pathetic, clap trap, cowardly, self-serving one that we have now. Geez. And they try to keep Singaporeans loyal with the "everything is for your own good". The Singapore government is so bloody paternalistic. It would drive any thinking person mad. The problem is, so many people don't think! You can here the quotes everywhere. Singapore is safe. Singapore is clean. Singapore has a good education system. Singapore is developed. Singapore is far ahead in Asia. Well, socially, and politically, compare Singapore with Denmark, or Sweden, or Switzerland, and we're only barbaric cavemen who can only say "Ugh, PAP good, Ugha." Then we sing stupid, banal national songs that belong in a communist album, waving those freakin flags. Cultivating loyal, brainwashed citizens is what they want to do. Which of course, exlpains why they control the media, teach SS in school, make you sing the national anthem or get punished, curb your freedom of speech, tell you that they're wonderful. Oh ye mortals, open your eyes!

milo sucks

2004-08-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

People should remember that two day fermented milo smells like shit, no kidding. And if you spill any, your room will become uninhabitable. Which is why, you should never keep tennis balls in your room. Alternatively, don't bring people who have terrible aim up to your room.

On the other hand, jacequelyn is in luuuvvv. Just buy her one small heart and she starts thinking about getting married. Jumps too far ahead, that one. Then, she kissed a barbecued neh three times, twice on the hand, once on the hip (hip level was as high as she could reach) Fortunately, she got convinced she had BO, unfortunately, she still tried to get on with the kissing. Never visit people when their little sisters LOVE you. Not very fun, but not very smart of you either

MPP

2004-08-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

Some people don't even understand that some people think they're hard to understand. Some people should just move on for god's sake.

And other people are so ignorant that they think stupid things like gays wanting to marry people of the opposite sex. I mean geez. When the option that they want is available, what crazy psycho would want to do the opposite? You might as well say that straight people want to marry same sex. Thick right?

Anyway, I hope Nanyang is that thick, then we can win. They already are quite thick, seeing as they wear fans dangling from their necks and seem to have spilt egg yolk on their blazers.

Moot in 1 week...help

2004-08-02T00:26:00.000-07:00

I hate physics. Two reasons, one because it's boring. and two, because i always fail. Chia and her hard test. Just the ego boost I need after making about 103 careless mistakes in the a math test. I'm already in physics remedial, not that that has helepd, since it hasn't even started yet

Oh yeah. Scarlett O'Hara resembles a lot of people i know

stupid chem

2004-08-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

Ever tried taking a chem test while sneezing? I will fail...again. I've never passed a SINGLE ONE yet. And you have stupid bimbo guides exclaiming how easy it is. Just goes to show.